Like Crystal Glass, It Shatters My Heart
by suspensegirlinc
Summary: Post 5x10 - If he was having some out of body experience and watching over her, she knew it would be what he'd be telling her, hoping she would hear him. And she was. This was the only way. CBDL
1. Prologue

A/N: I can't hold back & there's no way I'm going to. I'm on the verge of exploding & the most inspired I've been all season. Holy crap. This is a multi-chap. It's going to be long and angsty and 100% Chair. Hold on tight. I'll try to update regularly.

*I own nothing. No copyright infringement intended.

…

**Prologue-**

She stood in front of the mirror, her eyes glazed over as she stared at her form in her wedding dress. There was lace and sequins, silk and satin. The cut was perfect. The shoes matched. Her hair was swept up into a sweet half-bun and glittering earrings hung from her ears. The necklace that hung around her neck was _the_ necklace, but her fiancé didn't need to know that. He didn't need to know anything.

He didn't need to know how she cried every night and wiped dry her tear-stained face in the morning. He didn't need to know that she sat in front of her vanity every day and just stared into her eyes seeing only Chuck's. He didn't need to know that she shivered whenever they passed The Empire when he forgot they were in the vicinity. He didn't need to know that every smile she gave anybody was fake, and that it only lessened in the presence of Serena and sometimes Lily when her mother wasn't around to hold her.

She'd tried to cope, and she'd become good at keeping up the act in public. She was convinced that even half the time Louis was persuaded. After all, he'd persuaded her to come back to him after the accident and she'd obliged because he was the only one and he was the father of her baby. The freak accident had somehow managed to save anyone in that car but Chuck. Even the damn baby survived. When she sat in front of her mirror and saw only Chuck staring back at her, she wished her baby had died in that accident. She wished even more that she had never conceived that baby. She wanted Louis and herself to just go to hell.

But Chuck _wasn't dead_, she reminded herself, as she did every day. He would wake up soon, she told herself cheerfully, as she'd done every day for the past three months.

_"That really is a shame about the miscarriage, Blair. I'm so sorry… On the bright side though, we won't have to be refitting your dress!"_

She shivered at the memory. The woman had no idea, but she'd given up trying to get sympathy from Louis' mother. Sophia hadn't even gotten her facts right. Blair couldn't tell if she was happy about the baby actually surviving or not, but it didn't matter to her regardless. The only reason she was marrying Louis now was because once upon a time she had been certain he could make her happier than Chuck ever could. It had been a lie right from the start, but it was the one that kept her living and breathing and moving now. It was what Chuck would want too, she was sure. If he was having some out of body experience and watching over her, she knew it would be what he'd be telling her, hoping she would hear him. And she was. This was the only way.

The door opened behind her. She didn't realize it until the figure of her future husband appeared behind her in the mirror. She jumped slightly, and then forced herself to relax in his embrace when he rested his hand on her waist and his chin on her shoulder. Quickly, she transformed her crestfallen face into a sweet thoughtful one with a smile designed specifically for her dearest Louis.

"You're not supposed to see me in my wedding dress before the wedding," she reminded him, as she had often done throughout the last few weeks when she'd set off with Serena and come home with a potential gown for her wedding. She stained all the dresses with tears, but they went back without notice.

"I couldn't resist," he said, admiring her in the mirror. "You look beautiful." He kissed the crook of her neck.

She continued to smile, holding back tears and trying not to tense or swallow visibly.

"You really shouldn't be in here," she said, turning in his arms. He eyes her skeptically. She looked him up and down. "You're not even dressed!" she exclaimed, as if just realizing he was not wearing his tux. Truthfully, she just had. She was oblivious to a lot these days. Only Serena understood, and still not in the way she really needed her to. "Our wedding is in forty-five minutes," she hissed, grabbing a fistful of her skirts a pushing him towards the door.

Dorota burst in just then and gasped, then began her rant. "Mr. Louis! You must not be in here! Miss Blair in her wedding dress!"

He threw a half-sincere amused glance over his shoulder and left the premises of her bedroom. The door was almost closed, Louis now being ushered down the stairs, when Dorota popped her head back in the doorway and whispered discreetly.

"You want me send in Miss Serena?"

She shook her head. "No, that won't be necessary. Thank-you, Dorota." The maid nodded her head once and shut the door.

Blair returned to where she'd stood in front of the full-length mirror. Sick of looking at herself, she abandoned the spot and went to sit at her vanity, ignoring for a moment the mirror there staring at her determined to be noticed. Finally, she turned and looked into it, once again seeing only Chuck.

_You look beautiful._

Tears flooded down her porcelain face. It ruined her make-up. She held out her hand and gingerly touched the mirror with her fingertips. She sighed shakily as the tears curved under her chin and dripped onto the top of her dress, staining the silk.

"I wish you were here, Chuck." She sniffled, letting her hand fall to the vanity's marble surface, bare of any objects usually lying there. Goosebumps formed on her arms.

_She set the flowers on the table beside him. The bouquet she'd set there the day before was still in full bloom. She wanted it to always be that way. She never wanted to stay away long enough for any of them to wilt. She looked across the room and noticed a dried leaf fallen to the floor from a bouquet she'd brought the week before. She sighed and crossed the room, picking up the fragile leaf between her thumb and forefinger and then dropping it into the small trashcan. She turned again and, smiling softly, she returned to the hospital bed Chuck lay in._

_ Her fingers drifted across his blanket-covered body. The blanket was so light; typical hospital bedding. She wanted to demand better service, especially since she knew she could get it, but she knew there would be no point. Any time she so much as opened her mouth to suggest something she nearly dissolved into a puddle of tears. After three months of watching him lie motionless, barely breathing on his own, bringing up the notion of his blanket would send off warning bells to her family. It being on the day of her wedding would certainly not bode well. She'd been lucky to finally get all but Serena off her back on how well she was doing. Her best friend was relentless, though discreet. She appreciated her for that. _

_ Her fingers finally reached the edge of his face, tracing his high cheekbones. She crouched beside the bed and looked at him intently. She'd be at eye-level with him, if only he'd open his eyes…_

_ She sighed shakily. _

_ "Open your eyes, Chuck," she pleaded softly. A tear dribbled down the side of her face. "I'm getting married today," she offered hopefully. She'd gotten so much of a stirring from him before when that topic was brought up. Now, nothing. She bit her lip and looked on in desperation. Her tender threading her fingers through his hair grown fierce as she suddenly clutched at his dark locks. Unsteady breaths escaped her._

_ "I don't want to marry him, Chuck," she continued, tilting her head to the side to relax herself somehow. "I want to marry you. Why can't you just wake up?" She let her hand drift across his face, pressing gently against his cheeks and nose and forehead. Delicately, she brushed her fingers across his closed lids and full lips. They were a little chapped from the unnatural air she was sure circulated in the hospital. She turned half-way and pulled out the chapstick from her purse, applying it lightly to his lips – as she did every day. She couldn't understand how his lips dried so easily. Or, rather, she didn't want to._

_ "I won't be able to come as often after today." The shaky sighs just kept escaping her, but alone in this room with only him beside her, insecurities were nonexistent. "I may even have to move to Monaco." She attempted a laugh, but a few tears came with it. "Though, after everything I've been through, I'm sure Louis would be more than willing to accommodate me by staying in New York. At least for a while." She paused, taking the time to admire his face in silence. She took his lifeless hand in her own and threaded her fingers through his. One of her tears dripped down onto his skin and her breath caught in her throat. _

_ "He thinks I can't let go of you, that moving to Monaco is what I need to move on." She raised her eyes to look at his face again. "He's probably right." She lifted his hand to her cheek and leaned her face against it. "But I don't want to let you go," she sobbed suddenly. "I know this is what you'd want me to do…to be happy. Next to you, you said Louis was the only one who could make my dreams come true." She sighed harshly, cries evident in the heavy breath. "And he has apologized and made things right with me. It's like when we first met…"_

_ She hung her head and shook it. "But it's not…and you know it." She played with his thumb, moving it around with her two fingers and getting choked up all over again when the top of his didn't fold over her moving digits._

_ "Chuck, I miss you so much." Tears streamed down her face relentlessly. "Come back to me." She looked down at her bubble of a belly and then back at his closed eyes. "I'm going to be miserable if you don't. This poor baby won't have a mother worthy of her, or him. I don't care anymore. I don't care about my own baby. I'm a horrible, horrible person." She laid her head on the bed between his arm and the rest of his body and sobbed. She wished he'd move against her and ask her what she was doing and what he was doing in hospital clothes, and why her eyes were red and her face was stained with tears._

_ But he didn't. Just like every time before._

She blinked away tears and dabbed at her make-up, which was now ruined beyond repair.

"S!" she called out, turning her head towards the door. When her best friend appeared in the now open doorway she let her crestfallen teary eyes remain untouched. She sighed shakily as two more tears dripped down her face and onto her silk gown, mixing amongst the diamonds and glitter.

"It happened again," she said, unconsciously raising her hand to play with the necklace around her neck as her best friend walked into the room and closed the door behind her.

"It's okay, B." She kneeled beside her on the floor and reached for the tissues, drying her best friend's face. "We can do it again. I found the waterproof mascara." She offered a light smile.

Blair nodded, not speaking, but swallowing hard. She breathed out, shaky, and let her best friend reapply the make-up. She tried her best to keep her face still so that the make-up wouldn't be ruined again, but tears still escaped her watery eyes and Serena dutifully wiped them away, dabbing with the tissues on her cheeks. When it was finished, they both turned to look at Blair's rejuvenated face in the mirror. But all Blair saw was an image of her and Chuck on her seventeenth birthday as he held her in her grief.

_You look so beautiful._

She started crying again, hard. Serena caught her as she fell into her arms and held her for twenty minutes. Then they tried again.

….

A/N: Omg. I'm so choked up already. Please review. =)


	2. It Isn't Decent

A/N: I'm glad you guys are so enthusiastic about this fic! That's wonderful & does lovely things to my ego. ;) I feel though that I must inform you CBers of a quite important fact, so you aren't taken by surprise when it happens and feel ripped off or something. DB ARE going to happen in this story. The whole fic is a giant quadrangle, though admittedly Louis doesn't last that long, since it starts post 5x10. lol. But I'm taking into consideration all the speculations I hear regarding coming events, along with spoilers and promos, everything. I would like very much to not get flames when I get to the DB part in my story (which will be a long while off), since they are going to last for more than two seconds. I am still very against them and very pro-CB. I just find addressing all the coming issues will help me cope with them when they inevitably appear on my TV screen, hopefully to a lesser degree. Heh. You have been warned.

*NOTE TO DB'ERS (if you are reading this story): I really appreciate all you Dair fans for taking the time to read the first draft DB scene I posted. It means a lot to me that you would take the time to do so, since most of you will probably not read this fic and you know it's coming from an obsessed CB writer for a CB story. I try to be as objective as possible when writing fics, and it means a lot that you didn't flame me and just gave me your honest opinion about how well I wrote DB for a future scene. Thanks again. =)

*I own nothing. No copyright infringement intended.

…

**Ch.1—It Isn't Decent**

_Three Months Earlier…_

The quiet beeping woke her. That, and the gentle prodding she felt on her arm. Someone clearly wanted her attention. She opened her eyes and took in the small hospital room, feeling very out of it and tired. She turned her head to see Serena looking into her eyes with concern. That was when she was reminded of some sort of pain on her forehead. She lifted her hand, which suddenly felt very heavy and pressed her fingers against it.

"Oh, B, don't—"

Blair's eyes widened when she saw her fingers stained with blood.

"S…?" She turned her head to look at her best friend, demanding answers. Serena sighed.

"You were in a car accident."

Her eyebrows furrowed. "You told me this."

She nodded. "Five minutes ago. I think you forgot."

_Obviously_.

"It's probably the meds," Serena continued. "The doctor thinks you may have some broken ribs as well."

Blair winced, halfway to the cup of water on the mobile table beside her bed.

"Ah, so that's what that sharp pain is." Her hand recoiled from where it was, and slowly she brought her arm back, placing it over her ribcage.

Serena stood to her feet. "I'll get the doctor, see if I can get you some more meds."

Blair bit her tongue, struggling to sit up while maintaining some sort of pressure on her ribs. She nodded to Serena's suggestions.

"Yes, do that," she ground out.

"Oh, B, no, don't do that." She grabbed the remote on the table beside the cup of water and pressed a button. Blair froze and then relaxed, realizing with satisfaction that her bed could be lowered and lifted up with the touch of a button.

Once she had gotten to what she deemed the best available position, she smiled and looked at her best friend appreciatively. "Thanks, S."

Serena nodded.

"Now, please, an icepack or _something_." She waved her off. Serena cracked a smile and let herself out of the room, closing the door behind her.

With her best friend out of the room, Blair allowed herself to relax further into the bed. The pain wasn't too bad now, and she was very content with the fact that the remote could not only adjust the bed, but it could also call in the nurse and turn on the television. She sighed lightly when she realized she had no use for either of those pleasantries at the moment.

She closed her eyes, briefly wondering if she would fall asleep and have to be told what had happened to her again. She guessed not. The pain nagged at her, even if it had lessened since she'd found this new comfortable position. An image flashed before her eyes.

_"…as much as I love you."_

Her eyes opened suddenly. Her heart beat rapidly and she gasped. She forced herself to calm down her nerves when she noticed how the lines jumped on the heart monitor. She put her hand on her chest and told herself to take long, deep breaths.

"Where's Chuck?"

Serena nearly dropped the sealed bag of ice she was carrying. Of course she'd expected this question sooner or later. She'd just hoped for later. She needed more time to prepare her best friend for this massive burden. Slowly, she made her way into the room and shut the door behind her. Instead of handing the ice pack to Blair, she set it on the table within reach.

"S…" she said warningly. Serena could almost hear the tears in her voice. It felt like she too was about to burst. Her throat felt like it might close up, even hours after she'd first hear the news.

Blair watched her friend very closely, analyzing her every move and trying to prepare herself for whatever she might say. The worst alternative was of course death, but she only let her consider that option for a heartbeat. The lines on the heart monitor would be off the charts if that was the case. She would not let herself live through that dreadful news.

_But what else could it be?_

Serena drew up a chair beside her bed and prepared herself with a few deep steady breaths. She took Blair's hand in her own.

"Just tell me," Blair demanded. She swallowed hard, putting a brave face on. "This is _Chuck_. You know I can't stand being in the dark."

She forced a smile. "He hasn't woken up yet, B." She stroked her hand soothingly.

Blair's brows furrowed, as if confused. "What do you mean?" She turned her head too fast to look at the clock and then back into those wary blue eyes. "How long has it been?"

She forced a smile. "I'm sure he'll wake up soon."

"_Serena_." Her voice hitched.

She sighed. "He lost a lot of blood."

Her head fall back against the pillow. Her eyes closed. She could feel the beginnings of tears wetting her eyelashes and dripping down her face.

"Hey, hey, I'm sure he'll be alright," Serena said quickly, moving her soothing hand up her best friend's forearm and down again, trying to spread her warmth and calm her down. She tried to ignore the beeping coming from the heart monitor.

"How long?" she demanded.

She sighed. "A few hours."

Blair opened her eyes.

"As long as you've been here."

She turned her face away, unwilling to face what was staring so blatantly in front of her. The truth was cruel. She regretted asking for it.

"It was bad when we got here…" she admitted, deciding to go with the all-or-nothing route. "He was in critical condition. We heard you were awake, but there were doctors and nurses running through the hall…" She bit her bottom lip, remembering. "He's stable now though. He's alive."

Shaking a little, she turned to look at her best friend again. "If he wasn't, I wouldn't be here."

She didn't know how to take those words, so she just sat watching the traumatized brunette in silence. She was trying so hard to be brave, taking deep breaths in the most subtle way possible.

"I want to see him."

"You can't."

"S—"

"The doctor won't let any of us see him. Soon though." She stroked her hand soothingly.

The room spun around her. It was more than she could take. She cried a little, hardly noticing how it became louder and more violent without her consent. She was losing her breath and clutching at her body because it _hurt_. Doctor's orders beat everything, no matter how much she wanted to ignore it and force her way into that room. The truth was she'd need assistance. Just sitting up in bed had been an ordeal. And if no one else was allowed in, then she in her wounded state surely wouldn't make it in without being caught. She didn't even know where his room was.

She heard the beeping get louder and then darkness enveloped her.

…

Nate looked at her, condemnation clear in his eyes. She tried to avoid his gaze, but it was impossible. She'd already been pushed out of the room enough so that she could focus solely on that.

"You told her."

She sighed loudly. "I couldn't _not_ tell her."

"She's too fragile right now. We told you not to tell her."

"Nate, it's _Blair_." Her eyes grew soft and serious, needing him to see how dire the situation had been and how desperate she'd been to escape her best friend's questing eyes. "And it's about _Chuck_." Her voice broke. "You know I couldn't keep it from her."

He sighed and ran a hand through his hair. "You could have waited." He moved across the waiting room and found a chair. Serena sat down beside him. Dan remained in a seat on the far side of room, looking lost and staring into space. Rufus held Lily who was still the basket-case of tears she'd been when she'd first heard the news. New tears sprung up every time she was reminded of the state of her step-son.

"I can't believe this happened," Serena whispered. "They were finally getting their happy ending."

Nate nodded wordlessly.

"I always knew she'd choose Chuck," she added thoughtfully.

Dan shifted for the first time in an hour.

Nate said nothing. There was no point in reminiscing over Chuck and Blair's relationship. None of them wanted to give in to the worst-case scenario, especially since they'd have to console Blair regardless and that would be difficult for all of them. Seeing her cry was the hardest. Hearing it for the first time just before Serena exited her room – or rather, was roughly "escorted" out – had shook them to the core. What was happening was obviously horrible, but it was an even more intense reality check when they were reminded of how much worse Blair felt with all of it, not to mention her physical trauma.

"Is Blair okay?" Lily asked suddenly, as if she'd just noticed Serena back in the room.

She nodded. "Yeah, she's fine." Her mother clearly had not heard Blair's crying or been aware of the nurses and doctors rushing in. "Just a little unsettled." Lily relaxed again.

Nate turned his face to look at her accusingly again. She ignored it. She was feeling guilty enough already.

Dan got to his feet, deciding his throat was dry from all his invisible crying and screaming at the world. He crossed the room and went down the hall to retrieve some water. It was just his luck that there were no more paper cups beside the water jug.

He felt a presence come up behind him just as he was about to return to the waiting room. Suddenly, he was face-to-face with Louis Grimaldi. He thought they'd just each force a sympathetic smile or perhaps a concerned momentary stare and return to where they'd been before, but he was not so lucky this time. Louis hadn't come over for water or to share his grief. He looked angry, and his target was Dan Humphrey.

"Louis," he attempted a gentle beginning, wondering still if he could slip away. He was suffering just as much as anyone else here. He loved the girl, and on top of being physically broken, her heart was in pieces. Knowing Serena, she probably hadn't told her the whole truth either. Maybe because it was only speculation at this point. It was too soon to tell. For Blair's sake, and for everyone else's –heck even for his, he hoped the speculation was wrong.

"This is your fault."

"_Excuse_ me?" he asked, flabbergasted.

"If you had stayed put, Blair and I would have worked things out and she wouldn't be here right now. Serena told me she was with you at your loft."

He was very tempted to scoff. Instead, he crossed his arms across his chest and went on the defense. "She _was_ with me. And she was safe. She didn't need you coming to fight for her. She didn't _want_ you to fight for her."

Louis shook his head and scoffed, trying to squash his guilt. "You cannot possibly think you had nothing to do with this," he said, ignoring the state he and Blair had been in.

"I _didn't_." Louis stared at him hard. "What I do know though," he said, looking at him determinedly and feeling more in control than he had since he'd first gotten the horrible news, "is that before the accident Blair was happy. With _Chuck_," he emphasized, walking past the bitter prince back into the waiting room.

The receptionist at the desk offered a paper cup to Dan. If circumstances had been different, he would have laughed at the irony. At first he refused it, a little shaken from Louis's accusations, but when she showed him that there was already water inside he accepted it with a forced polite smile. They were all getting good at those.

…

A/N: I was contemplating having flashbacks throughout the whole first part of the story of what happened during the three months before the story technically starts, but since I had this all start on the day of B's wedding, I figured this was a safer route. As you can see, this fic will be a long one. ;) Please review! =D


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